At 10 am Wednesday, Chris ate this:
That is stinky fajita chicken doused with Frank’s hot sauce with a side of giant-bowl-of-cinnamon-and-Equal-oatmeal-with-blueberries.
This meal was obnoxious for three reasons:
1) The Stench. Remember on April Fool’s Day when Google pretended to have a new App that would let you smell through your computer? That would be so useful right now. Since it doesn’t exist, I’ll have to explain the smell of stinky fajita chicken doused with Frank’s hot sauce to you with my skills of prose: it smells like butt. Intense butt. And our apartment is 900 square feet so when the butt chicken starts to smell, there’s no escaping.
2) The Timing. It was 10 am in the morning. Who eats chicken with hot sauce at 10 am in the morning? (I know, I know, bodybuilders eat stinky chicken with hot sauce at 10 am in the morning. This is why this blog has to exist; normal people don’t do this).
3) The Jealously. Despite smelling disgusting, this meal represents a key jealously I have of Chris which is that, when he’s dieting, he still gets to eat so much food! During his last diet, when we did the scientific case study on him, his lowest caloric intake was around 2,500 calories. LOWEST. The stupid man went from 14.8% to 4.5% body fat and never consumed less than 2,500 calories! I think I speak for all smaller statured women out there when I say, “Jerk.”
“So, Lindy, stinky butt chicken with hot sauce and oatmeal is a pretty nasty sounding meal, but is there anything else Chris eats that you find gross?” you ask.
Heck yes! Check this out:
That is an entire bag of microwaved broccoli. I’ve always feared scurvy, so I totally support the vegetable eating. What makes me want to hurl on the carpet though is what he eats with the broccoli: a huge bowl of cottage cheese. He doesn’t actually mix the broccoli and cottage cheese but just eating those two in the same temporal vicinity is just, well, not my bowl of cottage cheese brocolli. (That’s an expression that’s going to catch on, you wait.)
Did I mention cottage cheese and broccoli is his before bed meal? Because he has a “before bed” meal. Doesn’t everyone?
At least the cottage cheese doesn’t smell…
If you haven’t already left to go vomit, or, if you’re a bodybuilder, to excitedly go prepare your own cottage cheese / brocolli / hot sauce butt chicken with oatmeal combo, I want to end with a few shout-outs to some other blogs that I like:
1) Hilarious Blog theoretically on motherhood but you’ll still love it even if you are totally against children (and I’ve been friends with the author since 2nd grade and she’s awesome so go read it now).
2) New Informative Blog on why women need to get out there, wear wrestling shoes in the gym, and not listen when their fiances insult their squats; well, that’s what I took from it I guess… her tagline is “The female guide to conquering the weight room.” Good stuff.
3) Another Blog for some good nutrition and exercise reading. I recommend gawking at the picture of the peanut butter chocolate chip thing in the bowl – amazing (and it’s the perfect mental antidote to all the nasty food pictures I posted here).