Something Happened

After an almost 2 year hiatus, I had to post.  Something happened.

On Sunday, I returned home from an 18 day trip.  Chris had not come on this trip as he was presenting at a “bodybuilding camp” in Tampa during some of that time.  No, I don’t want to talk about what a “bodybuilding camp” is.  If it bothers you, you can pretend he was at the beach.

Anyway, upon my trip-return, I noticed Chris’s abs were leaner than when I left.  I said, “Chris, wow, your abs are leaner!” He said something like, “Huh, so they are.  Interesting.” I assumed maybe he’d just lost a bit of weight while pining for me, similar to how a kenneled dog refuses kibble until the owners return.

Later that afternoon, I looked in the fridge and saw cartons of egg whites.  I asked him, “Chris, why the egg whites?” and he nonchalantly muttered, “Um, I decided to increase my protein intake a bit.”  I bought this.  Why not?  Chris likes protein.

That evening, we were in our kitchen preparing independent dinners simultaneously, as we often do, when I noticed him spending just a bit too much time weighing his egg whites.  Weighing instead of measuring food is something he does so his having the food scale out didn’t initially strike me as odd but why did he care about the precision so much?  In retrospect, there was entirely too much weighing and re-weighing going on.  Still, I didn’t suspect.

Until it happened.  While the eggs cooked, Chris squished himself into the kitchen corner, apparently texting intensely.  Chris doesn’t text a lot.  “Are you texting?” I innocently asked.  Chris immediately pulled the phone closer to his body so I couldn’t see! Why wasn’t I allowed to see the phone?!  What was on that phone?!  A message from a secret lover?!  Dirty photographs?!  Nope.  It was a macros app.

The jig was up.  Chris put down his sinister macros app (italics indicate a tone of loathing) and confessed (and this was his exact phrase) that he was “secretly dieting.”  Read that again:  “Secretly Dieting.”  The lean abs, the egg white cartons, the obsessive egg white weighing – all part of a new diet.  He hadn’t wanted to tell me for fear it would upset me.  Why would I be upset by a totally unplanned and unexpected transformation of the person I spend >90% of my time with into a non-communicative, constantly exhausted, food-obsessed, infant-like robot?!  (If you believe I am overstating what happens during a bodybuilding diet, you have forgotten the posts of 2013; please re-read them).

In honesty, my real reaction was to laugh out loud.  My husband secretly diets!  Could this be any more hilarious!?  And then I thought about the blog and realized that I had better write this post.

That's the sneaky face of a man "secretly dieting."

That’s the sneaky face of a man “secretly dieting.”

Epilogue:  Chris eventually clarified that he is not dieting for a bodybuilding show.  He wants to lift in the 205 class at a November powerlifting meet.  When I left on my trip, he weighed around 218.  He’s now at 212.  Seven more pounds over 9 or 10 weeks is much less intense than 30+ pounds over 6 months.  Although I’m on alert, I do not believe the hungry robot will rear it’s head.  We will see…

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