Tag Archives: broccoli

Peak Week and Posing Practice

“Peak Week” starts today!  This basically means that Chris is doing his final push to look his best for the show.  His diet and exercise are switched up a bit.

So far, the only difference I can make out is that he’s even more utterly exhausted and just now couldn’t make it through a whole “Google Books” talk that we were watching because he absolutely had to stop and make food.  (The talk was by ultrarunner Dean Karnazes who discusses eating pizza and cheesecake mid-run; perhaps listening to the gloriously calorific life of an ultrarunner was too much for the food-yearning bodybuilder.)

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Making dinner

As the contest date approaches, we’ve been working on Chris’s posing routine.  A few weeks ago, Chris played me a bunch of possible posing routine songs that he’d found online and let me tell him which ones I liked.  The yelling-angry songs (I believe they are called “heavy metal” by those approving of the genre) were all immediately nixed.  That eliminated 80% of his selections. I really liked the first song he’d played for me, which turned out to be his first choice too, so, that is now his posing routine song.

Selecting a bodybuilding posing routine song is interesting:  it has to be a song that you enjoy and also something you can sort of dance to.  I say “sort of dance to” because posing routines aren’t dance routines but they do involve moving around the stage and flexing at different times in different positions and making it work with the music.  There are some songs that work and some songs that just don’t work.  At bodybuilding shows, there’s usually a mix of (ugh) mystical-this-bodybuilder-just-rose-out-of-the-earth songs and (super ugh) heavy metal.  I think the song Chris chose fits neither of those categories and thus, will be very cool.  Yes, I’m deliberately not writing what song it is; I’m supposed to keep it a secret. 

Along with working on Chris’s posing routine, we’re also still working on Chris’s posing for prejudging.  Bodybuilders do “prejudging” first at a show.  In “prejudging” they hit certain “mandatory” poses and then, later in the show, they do their “posing routine” which they have made up themselves.

I say “we” are working on Chris’s posing because I am the posing critic.  He asks me to be the posing critic.  I sit on the couch and call out poses to Chris and he hits the poses and sweats and I stare at him and tell him what looks good and what could maybe be flexed more / differently.

As a fan of flexed abdominals, I choose to call out the “hands over head abdominals” pose a lot.  Apparently it is one of the more exhausting poses but, eh, he is the one who wanted to practice posing.  Sometimes it’s fun to call out “hands over head abdominals” and then “front double biceps” (another tiring one) and then “hands over head abdominals” and then “front double biceps” and see how long he can keep hitting them until he reaches true exhaustion.  I have to keep things interesting for myself.

In between poses, he is supposed to get into “relaxed” positions.  There is a “relaxed” position facing the front, the sides, and the back.  To envision what the “relaxed” positions look like, imagine standing upright with your arms at your sides and then tensing every muscle in your body.  That is “relaxed.”

In between “relaxed” positions, we also do “quarter turns to your right.”  This is so the judges (and me, the posing critic) can see all sides of Chris.  When I first went to a bodybuilding show, this confused me a great deal; would quarter turns to the right be followed by three-fifths turns to the left and six-eighths turns on the z-axis?  Unfortunately for those wishing for a math/bodybuilding combo competition, no.  It’s just quarter turns to the right.  (I have seen “half turns” once, but only once.)  One day when I run bodybuilding…

I will end with a fun story.

A few days ago, Chris went to the grocery store and bought several monster bags of frozen broccoli (pictured below), many Greek yogurts tubs, bags of fajita steak, and coffee.

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Our freezer currently (And he wonders why he gets bloated…)

The cashier asked him, “Is this all you eat?” to which Chris fibbed, “Oh no, ha ha, I just like buying things in bulk,” to which the cashier said, “Oh good, because it’d be really weird if this was all you ate,” to which Chris laughingly replied, “Ha, yep, sure would be weird!” and then Chris chuckled to himself all the way home because that really is all that he eats, and yes, it’s weird.

Legitimate Eggs, Broccoli, and Cottage Cheese

Chris is still in Florida.  Fear not!  The egg, cottage cheese, and broccoli consumption continues.  Below, a brief photographic walk through of the processes.  (All photographs are courtesy of Chris’s mom and yes, it’s awesome that she also takes pictures of Chris preparing food and emails them to me.)

First, Chris is making eggs.  Lots of eggs.

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Peppering the egg-circle

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What a peppered egg-circle!

Next, Chris is making his aforementioned standard “pre-bed” meal.

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The start of the “pre-bed meal” preparation

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That’s a man-size broccoli bowl

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Time to pepper the broccoli

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Now we must flavor the broccoli with lemon

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Lemon-peppered broccoli is ready!

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Chunky cottage cheese from a container is ready!

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“Oh yeah I’m gonna enjoy this.  Best. Pre-bed meal. Ever.” -Chris

If dieting bodybuilders judged food competitions, everyone would win (assuming,that is, that you were able to convince the bodybuilders that the food fit into their daily macros).  You made dog food covered in turds?  And it fits into my macros? Best. Meal. Ever.

Yes, I know, I’ve posted on the cottage cheese and broccoli pre-bed meal before, but seriously, the guy eats this every night and those of us hanging out with him have to regularly smell the stench so a mere two posts about it is nothing.   

The other day at the gym, I saw an irritating sign for “legitimate hardcore products” on the outside of a refrigerator full of sugar-dense sports drinks.  Know what I think a “legitimate hardcore product” is?  A regular pre-bed meal of cottage cheese and broccoli.  Also, an egg-circle.

Chris should stand in that gym refrigerator clasping his cottage cheese and broccoli (or egg-circle) with a sign nailed above him stating that his robot-like consumption of nutritious food, avoidance of inappropriate food, and intense workouts are the real “legitimate hardcore products”. (And of course, it’s completely necessary to use the word “legitimate;” I never buy anything that doesn’t use the word “legitimate” in it’s advertising.  You want me to buy that toilet paper?  I only buy “legitimate” toilet paper.)

When the refrigerator door is opened by someone wanting a legitimate hardcore product, Chris would pass out a log of what he’s eaten and done at the gym for the last 3 months.  If anyone asked Gym-Refrigerator-Chris what miracle supplements he boluses, what he ingests mid-workout, or any other variation around the theme of “how do I get muscular without actually doing anything hard?” a ear-splitting buzzer would sound and Chris’s refrigerator door would slam shut.  Perhaps a large pail of cottage cheese could also automatically empty on the inquirer’s head. 

Good idea huh?  My ideas are legitimate hardcore ideas.

Hot-Sauce Chicken with Oatmeal and Broccoli with Cottage Cheese

At 10 am Wednesday, Chris ate this:

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That is stinky fajita chicken doused with Frank’s hot sauce with a side of giant-bowl-of-cinnamon-and-Equal-oatmeal-with-blueberries.

This meal was obnoxious for three reasons:

1) The Stench. Remember on April Fool’s Day when Google pretended to have a new App that would let you smell through your computer?  That would be so useful right now.  Since it doesn’t exist, I’ll have to explain the smell of stinky fajita chicken doused with Frank’s hot sauce to you with my skills of prose:  it smells like butt.  Intense butt.  And our apartment is 900 square feet so when the butt chicken starts to smell, there’s no escaping.

2) The Timing.  It was 10 am in the morning.  Who eats chicken with hot sauce at 10 am in the morning?  (I know, I know, bodybuilders eat stinky chicken with hot sauce at 10 am in the morning.  This is why this blog has to exist; normal people don’t do this).

3) The Jealously. Despite smelling disgusting, this meal represents a key jealously I have of Chris which is that, when he’s dieting, he still gets to eat so much food!  During his last diet, when we did the scientific case study on him, his lowest caloric intake was around 2,500 calories.  LOWEST.  The stupid man went from 14.8% to 4.5% body fat and never consumed less than 2,500 calories!  I think I speak for all smaller statured women out there when I say, “Jerk.”

“So, Lindy, stinky butt chicken with hot sauce and oatmeal is a pretty nasty sounding meal, but is there anything else Chris eats that you find gross?” you ask.

Heck yes! Check this out:

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That is an entire bag of microwaved broccoli.  I’ve always feared scurvy, so I totally support the vegetable eating.  What makes me want to hurl on the carpet though is what he eats with the broccoli:  a huge bowl of cottage cheese.  He doesn’t actually mix the broccoli and cottage cheese but just eating those two in the same temporal vicinity is just, well, not my bowl of cottage cheese brocolli.  (That’s an expression that’s going to catch on, you wait.)

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Oh yeah, chunky and watery and weighed to the gram, bring it on

Did I mention cottage cheese and broccoli is his before bed meal?  Because he has a “before bed” meal.  Doesn’t everyone?

At least the cottage cheese doesn’t smell…

If you haven’t already left to go vomit, or, if you’re a bodybuilder, to excitedly go prepare your own cottage cheese / brocolli / hot sauce butt chicken with oatmeal combo, I want to end with a few shout-outs to some other blogs that I like:

1) Hilarious Blog theoretically on motherhood but you’ll still love it even if you are totally against children (and I’ve been friends with the author since 2nd grade and she’s awesome so go read it now).

2) New Informative Blog on why women need to get out there, wear wrestling shoes in the gym, and not listen when their fiances insult their squats; well, that’s what I took from it I guess… her tagline is “The female guide to conquering the weight room.”  Good stuff.

3) Another Blog for some good nutrition and exercise reading.  I recommend gawking at the picture of the peanut butter chocolate chip thing in the bowl – amazing (and it’s the perfect mental antidote to all the nasty food pictures I posted here).